Sometimes I look back and I wonder what pivotal point led us to where you are today. Where we are today. I know that life isn’t this winding path where you make one “wrong” turn and suddenly end up somewhere and it alters your path forever. Life is this never ending twisting path with turns and impasses and bridges and somehow we get to this point where we are in our present state. But with you I really do wonder where that pivotal turn was. Or is it really all in our heads? The whole nature vs. nurture thing… was everything that happened around you in your environment really inconsequential because of nature?
I feel like I have spent my whole life focusing on you and whatever state you were in and what flux your life was in. As I sit here, I wonder if your life is the needle of the compass that tells me where I was in my own life at any given time.
I have always loved you. Always. I know I used to tell people that if there were such a thing as soul mates, you were mine. Granted, I have grown up since then and don’t believe in this concept of soul mates, but that is how deep I loved you and still love you, even if my love is disguised as something else. I have also always made excuses for you. Is that what has hindered your development and advancement in the world and society? That you have all these people who love you so much that they are willing to do anything but let you fall?
I feel like while everyone around you has changed, you haven’t. You still blame and hate the world. You still think everything is everybody else’s fault. You still think that nobody loves you. You don’t see that almost everyone around your entire world has been about you their entire lives. Even as I have married and become a mom, I have to think about you and where you fit in my present and future life.
Mental illness is one of the most difficult things I have ever dealt with. I cannot imagine being the one dealing with it from the inside. But because you are dealing with it, I am also dealing with it. When you are going through a manic phase, I am going through a manic phase. Not on the same level but definitely on some level. I feel the anger, the hurt, the out of control rage, the helplessness, the void of feelings… all of it. I can’t compare your feelings to mine as I will never understand what you feel, but you will also never understand how I feel watching you.
The last few years have been horrible. Like, nobody that isn’t living this could ever understand. It has become really easy for me to put on a fake smile and appear to live a happy life so that I don’t look like the freak show that I am. Some nights I have felt so numb that I actually found myself wishing you would just die. I thought, anything is better than this. Quit threatening it! My life would be so much easier. I would live a normal life. My son would live a normal life. I have never felt so much hate as I have the last few years and I think that feeling this much hate can literally kill you. I feel myself slowly dying.
The thing is… deep down I know I love you. I know I don’t want you to die. I know that if you did kill yourself that that would be the absolute worst thing to ever happen to me and I don’t know how I would live, especially with the words that I just said out loud. But you certainly don’t make loving you easy. When you drink you become this mean, ugly, volatile, and sad “person” and it’s not easy to have any sympathy. In fact, it’s easy to feel the total opposite. To know and watch you self-destruct and know you are knowingly doing it to yourself. But I do still have love for you. I do still think about you as I lie awake in my bed each night.
So how did we end up here? What long road or wrong turn did we take that resulted in us all living this nightmare? I want you to get better. I feel like we’ve been down this particular path so many times that I’m so broken and jaded that I have no more faith in it. I feel like this turn is more of a loop that takes us right back to the same bumpy road that we were just on. I want a new, clean, and paved road ahead. I want you in my life and in my son’s life. I don’t want to hate you anymore. I want to love you the way I’ve loved you my whole life. How do we get there? I wish I knew…
Is this for real this time?