I’ve come to the realization that I am never going to be this perfectly calm, collected, and put together mom. Or wife, or daughter, or *person* for that matter. That just isn’t me. I have this tendency to wear my emotions on my sleeve. I’ll share them with anybody whether they want me to or not, admittedly. Yes, I’m a bit of an over-sharer. If you follow me on Facebook or Instagram- you already know this. I think about this a lot and sometimes I’ll try to change that and post less, but what it always comes back to for me is that I just like to share. If I get rid of Facebook for a month, I miss that aspect of my life for some reason. So, I’ve just come to accept it and instead decided that to those who don’t like it… don’t belong in my inner circle. I’ve carefully curated my “friends” list to under 100, because really… I don’t have 100 friends and once it starts creeping up there I have to go through and be really selective about who I want to share my life with once again.
But where was I going with this? Oh yes. Disneyland. Oh I didn’t already explain that? Okay, well let me get there. We went on a fantastic family trip to Disneyland a couple weeks ago and as an added bonus we got to also go with some of our best friends and their families! It was great. However, I was a hot mess at times. I would be *that* mom with the kid who wasn’t listening and because I had to be left with my kid while The Count went on a ride with his buddies (and totally vice versa of course), sometimes I’d freak out a little. I think I’ve mentioned a few times here that because of my different health issues I haven’t been the most “traditional” mom (what’s that anyways?) from the get-go with taking Finn in public places and bearing that responsibility on my own, so it is still, believe it or not, a challenge 3 years later. Anyways, only a few times Finn had a meltdown and of course it was when I was alone and I felt like I looked like the one mom of our group with the one out of control child and my embarrassment and anger would creep up and then my resentment towards The Count for being gone would take hold and I’d start to lose it in my mind and then take it out on Finn and *especially* The Count (bless his heart).
Where I’m going with this is that I never realized that I’d be judged for it. I felt like a shitty mom, trust me, I did. But I always had hoped that other people were more understanding. There was only one glimpse of this but it was enough to rattle my cage. At one point one of our friends (who I love more than anything and is in my top 5 of people who I love most on this earth, for reals) was going to go on one of the big rides with the guys and leave the three young kiddos with me and our other friend and I remember there being talk about leaving the two of us with three kids and it possibly being too much when one said to the other, “Oh I know *you’ll* be fine…” Needless to say, she didn’t end up going. It made me feel kind of sad. I wondered if she thought I just couldn’t handle anything more than my own, couldn’t be trusted, or am I just too paranoid and she was just trying to be considerate of the tantrum that my own son had just had and didn’t want to leave us stranded with three in case that happened again? Am I just overthinking this? Of course the Count says I am.
But I still wonder because I know I complain a lot about Finn’s little tantrums or if I have a hard day with him and maybe I’ve just given off this impression that I am this crazy mother that can’t handle my own kid, let alone any others and is ready to fly off the handle at any given moment? Have I been too trusting with my own feelings? Have I been too open with what goes on in my life? Maybe it’s not best to be an open book, even though I always thought it was. No secrets. Nothing to hide. This is me. This is who I am. And this is what you get. Then I start to think… I’m probably not the first person people turn to to watch their kid. Well how can they? I don’t even have my own place. For now. Then my thoughts turn to self pity and we go down a darker road that I’ll save for another post on another day when I’m feeling like dredging myself completely through the mud.
Bottom line, I’m a good mom. I’m a great mom. I know I am. I’m still learning how to handle temper tantrums in the privacy of my own home, let alone in public. My child is special and unique and not like any other. They all are. There’s no book that I can read that will tell me how to handle him in tough situations. Or he, me! I guess I really shouldn’t care what other people think about me or my parenting or my or my son’s temper tantrums because we’re both still learning and that’s not going to change for a very long time. Or ever.