Me on Motherhood

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Motherhood hasn’t been a walk in the park for me. I will be open about that. I didn’t just have Finn and then the next day I was this natural mother. I’m still learning everyday. Due to my health issues, everyday hasn’t been easy. I am not alone with Finn as much as other moms are. In fact I have taken Finn in public alone only twice in the last 14 months and both times were in the last month. The first was a solo trip to Target and the second was to a birthday party. Both were hard for me. I get a lot of help. So, I am not the most conventional mother. We aren’t the most conventional parents for that matter. Today for instance, Dan took Finn to the splash pad and he said there were 10 other children all there with their mothers and then there was Finn with his daddy. And he feels so lucky that he has gotten to spend so much time home with Finn, but that has also meant that I’ve had to spend so much time away from him at work (when I wasn’t home on medical leave for 7 months last year of course!). People always find it weird when they first meet me and they ask what my husband does and I tell them that he’s a student or he’s home with Finn, but whatever, that’s us. Those are our cards. Does it make me feel bad at times that I’m not at home with Finn? Of course. Every. Single. Day. We have friends who the moms stay at home with their kids or who are able to work from home and they are able to get together more often and their kids get to have play dates fairly often and it makes us feel bad. Like we are causing Finn to miss out on something because we can’t be a part of that as often as we want to. I wish I could spend everyday at home with Finn instead of at work taking customers’ orders, standing on my feet all day, popping ibuprofens for my other ruptured disc and counting the days until Dan graduates so I can do something that I feel is more worthwhile… But at the same time, I know I wouldn’t be happy just being a “stay at home mom”. That’s never the life I saw for myself. Not that there’s anything wrong with that life for those that have or want that. I’ve just always saw myself doing something else. I still want to be home with Finn, but being a student or doing some kind of business on the side would make me feel much happier or worthwhile for my own self. But I still hate that I’m at work everyday missing out on little moments of Finn’s young life that we’ll never get back.

We’ve made the decision not to have anymore children. There’s SO many things that went into that decision which would be a post of its own, but mostly I think that we’re perfect with just the 3 of us. Finn is all the kid we need or want. And we are perfectly okay with that decision. I strongly disagree with this belief that children need siblings for friends because I could count on both hands people who are close to me that have siblings that they were never close to and who they aren’t close to now. You can’t force siblings to be friends. And if an only child is going to be “lonely”, it’s your responsibility to socialize them and get them into programs and OUT THERE. I do know that there’s a very strong possibility that an only child can be spoiled. They can be selfish. They can feel like the world revolves around them. I know several. And that’s our responsibility to make sure that we try not to let that happen to Finn. Anyways, I kind of got off on a tangent there and tried to justify us not having any more children when I don’t need to. This is the right decision for us and for Finn because we can’t handle anymore. Most of our friends are still expanding their families, some haven’t started yet, (some aren’t planning on starting at all), some are in different stages of parenthood, but we’re raising them together. I don’t know if they judge us for deciding that we are done, but we know this is right for us and we feel good about our decision. Finn is going to be just fine.

Motherhood. I’m trying so hard to be a good mother to Finn. I really am. Everyday I am learning. When I had him, this was just one big experiment for me, really. The best piece of advice somebody gave me after he was born was not to forget that while I’m learning to be a mother, he’s learning to be a baby. Be patient. And that’s stuck with me. We’re both trying to figure this thing out. When I get frustrated, is he trying to frustrate me? Of course not. Do I enjoy every single moment? No! When he’s screaming because he’s hungry and we aren’t making dinner fast enough or he won’t go down for a nap even though he’s so tired he can’t keep his eyes open, do I love that? Nope. Do I love getting him out of his crib in the morning and our quick cuddles before I’m out the door to work or making his pancake breakfast on Sunday mornings together and our non-stop laugh fests at night before bed? Yes! And I take for granted all of these moments. Every. Single. Day.

I’m trying to work on being more present. I know I have an addiction to technology. My phone. My computer. I’m not down on the floor playing with him, reading to him, actively doing stuff with him 100% of the time like I should be, or want to be. It’s one of my faults. People are constantly telling me to put my phone away and it drives me crazy, even though they’re right. I hate to be controlled. After I’ve just been at work for 9 hours I like to catch up on my news, my social media, blogging, things like that. But I know I need to be more present because I’m missing out on Finn. But more than just the phone and technology I also need to worry and stress less. Fight with Dan less about the things that are worrying and stressing me; money, our house being a mess, yardwork, doctors, vehicle maintenance, etc.. There’s some things right now in our lives that are very, very stressful that have really caused us to be at eachother’s throats nonstop and that affects Finn. I need to work on that. Overall I need to hug, kiss, and love Finn more. Listen to his babbles before they turn into words. Enjoy the fight of changing his diaper because before too long it’s going to be a much different story. Dance with him before he’s too embarrassed to dance with me. Enjoy the stories that we’re reading to him which I did very much last night as Dan was reading to us. ;)

Basically enjoy and learn to appreciate all these ordinary moments that are passing right before my eyes because at this moment this is the youngest Finn is ever going to be and I’ll never get any of these ordinary moments back. And just hope that I don’t screw him up. ;)

2 thoughts on “Me on Motherhood

  1. Christa

    I love how open, honest, and *sensible* you are about everything, Jillybeans. I learn a lot from you–I want you to know that. I really wish we lived MUCH closer. I would love to visit you guys all the time and spend time with Finn!

  2. Jill

    Thank you, cuz! I just wake up everyday and tell myself to do my best and Finn will love me anyways. And not to be so hard on myself. I’m working on my “faults”. <3

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